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"It's Not A Tumor!" -Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kindergarden Cop
|Oh Yeah, Pickin Up All The Ladies Tonight with my Sweet Orange Spray Tan!|
So I don't consider myself a gym rat, but I do workout like four days a week. I'm there for an hour or so, get in a solid workout, mind my own business, then leave. I do have a habit of eavesdropping and laughing, on the inside of course (most of the time anyway), at those typical gym-ophites. You know, the fat old guy with short shorts who does like 3 curls with weights that are way to heavy for him, the twenty something chick with fake blonde hair that sits on the hip flexor machine in an attempt to work those pornstar muscles, the skinny emo-looking kid who is trying to be sort of cool, etc. etc.
However - the other day, I encountered evil incarnate. While I usually just think big meatheads are kind of funny because they are too dumb to use words appropriately, I overheard two of these creatures talking and almost lost my lunch.
First of all, let me set the scene. One kid is at the gym everyday - what the f*ck do you do with your life? You're not a personal trainer and you're probably too dumb to get an office job or even be a bartender. He talks really loud, mostly to himself, he lifts his shirt up and sort of twirls it around (are you a fucking ballerina, you shithead?), and he struts around with this swagger that makes it look like he has a cinder block shoved up his ass.
So, the conversation went as follows - let us name the culprit described above as Rex (because he too has a brain the size of a walnut).
Rex: (Looks in the mirror, flexes) "ROCKSTAR LIFESTYLE BABY! YEAH!"
Goon: "Man, if I come here everyday with you like this, I'm gunna just like lay someone the f*ck out if they like, ya know, like look at my funny or somethin'. "
Rex: "Wait what?"
Goon: "If someone like looks funny at me I'm gunna like lay 'em out."
Rex: "Man, like you'll get like arrested for that shit. You know what I'd do? I'd like steal stuff."
Hold up. Did this stupid mother-f*cker just tell his friend that he couldn't hit someone and then proceed to say he would choose to steal things? What a f*cking idiot. I think I was probably on the verge of barely having the ability to retain memory when I learned that stealing was bad. How stupid do you have to be to say something this moronic? Pretty f*cking stupid. This f*cktard must have either come from replicated amoebic pond sludge, was alienated from his primate colony for lack of hair, or was created for the soul purpose of establishing a minimum requirement for brain power.
Guys like REX are NOT the man. Please, please, please - if you emulate this sh*t-brained moron, for the love of God, stop. Acting like this will get you two things: a white trash girlfriend that either has two kids that are like 3/4 of her age and eventually condemn you to a life of mediocrity as you slowly deteriorate while your wife blimps to a fat sh*t that sits around eating Big Macs and Watching Days of Our Lives, or you will simply die at the young age of 40 via some sort of deer antler supplement poisoning. Sorry, but we won't deny that you didn't deserve it.
Fellas - get fit, get jacked, get ripped, get huge. Don't act like a gigantic f*ckface. It's not a difficult formula. Hot women like guys in good shape. What hot women like more are guys in good shape with brains and style. Look at Daniel Craig. Women brainf*cked 007 when he got out of his Armani tux and into his bathing suit. Would they react similarly if he put a retarded smile on his face to complement his faux-hawk, twirled his shirt, and talked to himself as he was waving around his I-pod that just happened to be playing "Birthday Sex"? I think not.
|I'm so friggin cool right now! Guido Lips!|
Michael J. Schiemer B.S. CPT
Owner of FRUGAL FITNESS Worldwide Wellness & Elite Cheapskate
Author of The Frugal Diet, The Frugal Workout, & The Ultimate Fitness Guide Series
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